I woke up at 5am this morning, which is unusual for me. As I lay there remembering pieces of dreams, it suddenly struck me that I wanted to go jogging. This is also unusual.
The problem with me going jogging is that when I jog, I look like a limping polar bear who spent the winter eating cookie dough. Or at least that’s how I feel. And the prospect of people seeing me in this state is generally enough to put me off jogging altogether (as if people spend their lives pressed against their windows, looking for joggers to mock). So I did the only sensible thing: I went jogging in the cemetery. Dead men tell no tales.
Beechwood Cemetery, as I have said before, is massive and bordered by a sort of forest, despite its location in the middle of the city. It also clearly has supernatural problems, as there is no admittance after dark, but that does not concern my present musings, as I don’t really care what vampires or zombies think about my jogging, as they are undead and therefore in no place to critique me. But I digress.
Once, two winters ago, I was walking through the cemetery and came upon a large track in the snow. Now, I took a tracking class in college, so I can tell a canine track from a feline track (I can also tell the difference between red fox pee and grey fox pee, a dubious talent to be sure). And this was most certainly a feline track. So I now have a deep conviction that there is a panther in Beechwood Cemetery, feeding on the fat of the land. And as I limped my way amongst the gravestones today, I was uncomfortably aware that I was the fat of the land on this particular morning.
Is it absurd that I am afraid of being eaten by a panther? I’ve lived in forests which were most certainly full of bears and moose and other large creatures, though I must admit that I was never menaced. But I can’t seem to drop the sneaking suspicion that there are predators lurking in the bushes, even though I live in the middle of the city. Is this the product of reading too many fairytales? I think it might be.
In all likelihood, the only things lurking in the bushes in Beechwood Cemetery are stoners. Well, and the zombies, but I know how to take care of them.